Dive into the humor of the legendary Rodney Dangerfield with our compilation of his iconic jokes. Renowned for his self-deprecating humor and unforgettable one-liners, these jokes are a testament to his comic genius. Get ready to laugh out loud as we pay homage to one of comedy’s greatest!
- “I tell ya, I get no respect. I told my dentist my teeth are turning yellow. He told me to wear a brown tie.”
- “Last week I went to a fortune teller. She told me I’d die broke and alone. And I said, ‘So what’s new?'”
- “My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
- “I’m so ugly, I once worked in a haunted house. They fired me for not wearing makeup.”
- “My therapist says I have a preoccupation with revenge. We’ll see about that.”
- “I came from a town so small, our zip code was a fraction.”
- “I asked my wife if I was the only one she’s been with. She said, ‘Yeah, the others were nines and tens.'”
- “I looked up my family tree. Two dogs were using it.”
- “My doctor gave me six months to live. When I couldn’t pay the bill, he gave me six months more.”
- “I told my psychiatrist I keep thinking I’m a dog. He told me to get off his couch.”
- “I was so poor growing up, if I wasn’t a boy, I’d have had nothing to play with.”
- “My wife’s cooking is so bad, the dog begs for Alka-Seltzer.”
- “My wife asked me if a certain dress makes her look fat. I told her not as much as the dress she wore yesterday.”
- “The way my luck is running, if I was a politician I’d be honest.”
- “I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, ‘There goes the neighborhood.'”
- “My psychiatrist told me I was crazy. I said I want a second opinion. He said, ‘Okay, you’re ugly too.'”
- “My uncle’s dying wish was to have me sitting on his lap. He was in the electric chair.”
- “I told my wife I wanted to be cremated. She made an appointment for me next Tuesday.”
- “I get no respect. The way my luck is running, if I was a scarecrow, the birds would feed me.”
- “I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes. She gave me a hug.”
- “The last time I saw a mouth like that, it had a hook in it.”
- “My wife made me join a bridge club. I jump off next Tuesday.”
- “I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.”
- “I’m not a hypochondriac, but my blood type is Ragu.”
- “My father carried around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.”
- “I said to my wife, ‘No, I don’t hate your relatives. In fact, I like your mother-in-law better than I like mine.'”
- “My marriage is on the rocks again. Yeah, my wife just broke up with her boyfriend.”
- “When I was a kid, my parents moved a lot. But I always found them.”
- “I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.”
- “I could tell my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.”
- “My wife is always trying to get rid of me. The other day she told me to put the garbage out. I said to her I already did. She told me to go and keep an eye on it.”
- “I’m not a sexy guy. I went to a hooker. I dropped my pants. She dropped her price.”
- “I drink too much. Way too much. My doctor drew blood. He ran a tab.”
- “I told my wife the truth. I told her I was seeing a psychiatrist. Then she told me the truth: that she was seeing a psychiatrist, two plumbers, and a bartender.”
- “When I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped my mother.”
- “My wife met me at the door the other night in a sexy negligee. Unfortunately, she was just coming home.”
- “As a kid, I got no respect. The time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent my parents a note they said, ‘We want five thousand dollars or you’ll see your kid again.'”
- “I tell ya, I get no respect from anyone. I bought a cemetery plot. The guy said, ‘There goes the neighborhood!'”
- “When I was a kid, I played hide and seek, and they wouldn’t even look for me.”
- “For Christmas one year I got a battery with a note that said, ‘Toy not included.'”
- “I was such an ugly kid, when I played in the sandbox, the cat kept covering me up.”
- “My wife told me I need to be more in touch with my feminine side, so I crashed the car.”
- “I told my psychiatrist I’ve been thinking about suicide. He said, ‘From now on, you pay in advance.'”
- “I was so ugly, my parents used to put a pork chop around my neck to get the dog to play with me.”
- “I was so poor, for my birthday my old man showed me a picture of a cake and I blew out the candle.”
- “My wife is such a bad cook, the flies chipped in to fix the screen door.”
- “I told my wife she’s lousy in bed. She went out and got a second opinion.”
- “I bought a water bed, but had to throw it out after my wife said she wanted to see other people.”
- “I told my wife I wanted to see a therapist. She said, ‘Just look in the mirror.'”
- “I have good looking kids. Thank goodness my wife cheats on me.”
- “I asked my wife for her phone number. She told me it’s in the phone book.”
- “My wife likes to talk during sex. Last night she called me from a hotel.”
- “My wife ran off with my best friend. Boy, do I miss him.”
- “My dad used to say, ‘You’re as useless as a back pocket on a shirt.'”
- “I’m so ugly, I went to the proctologist and he stuck his finger in my mouth.”
- “I told my wife I want to go somewhere I’ve never been. She told me to try the kitchen.”
- “I was such a bad kid, my mother had morning sickness after I was born.”
- “I remember the time I was kidnapped, and the kidnappers sent back a piece of my finger to my father. He said he wanted more proof.”
- “I was tired one night and went to the bar to have a few drinks. The bartender asked me, ‘What’ll you have?’ I said, ‘Surprise me.’ He showed me a naked picture of my wife.”
- “My psychiatrist told me I was going crazy. I told him, ‘If you don’t mind, I’d like a second opinion.’ He said, ‘Alright, you’re ugly too!'”
- “I was so ugly, when I was born, the doctor smacked me and then smacked my mom.”
- “My mother never breast fed me, she said she just liked me as a friend.”
- “My wife was afraid of the dark, then she saw me naked and now she’s afraid of the light.”
- “I was such a rotten kid, my parents used to let me lick stamps for a hobby.”
- My wife said she wants to have sex in the back seat of the car and she wants me to drive.”
- “I found a great way to do sit-ups without lifting a finger. Every morning, when I wake up, I sneeze.”
- “I asked my dad if he could help me with my math homework. He said, ‘Don’t be silly, you know I can’t count past ten.'”
- “I went to a fight the other night, and a hockey game broke out.”
- “I was so poor growing up, we couldn’t afford a dog. So my parents made me chase the car.”
- “I told my wife she looks sexy with black fingernails. Now she’s eating the burnt toast.”
- “I was such a bad kid, my mom used to sprinkle monster dust under my bed.”
- “My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror.”
- “I was such a lousy athlete, in high school they used to call me ‘four eyes’. Not because I wore glasses, but because I kept getting hit with the ball.”
- “My wife is such a bad cook, I’ve got the only dog that begs for Alka-Seltzer.”
- “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned sixty, and that’s the law.”
- “I bought a used car and found my wife’s dress in the back seat.”
- “I was so ugly when I was born, the doctor looked at my face and my backside and said twins!”
- “I was so dumb in high school, they used to let me cheat off the teacher.”
- “I’m so ugly, when I was a kid my parents would put me in the corner and then they’d move the rest of the room.”
- “I was so lonely, I joined a gang. Now I’m lonely together with them.”
We hope this collection of Rodney Dangerfield’s classic jokes brought laughter to your day. Remember, his unique humor continues to echo, making millions chuckle even today. Share these jokes and keep his comic legacy alive. Stay tuned for more compilations, honoring comedy’s greats and promising a dose of laughter in your everyday life!
