Get ready for a fun-filled adventure with our collection of jokes about men! These comically ingenious quips celebrate the quirks and habits that make men such fascinating subjects of humor. From clever one-liners to playful puns, these jokes are sure to keep you laughing.
- Why don’t men need bookmarks? Because the sports section is in the middle of the newspaper.
- What’s a man’s idea of a balanced diet? A beer in each hand.
- How can you tell when a man is going to say something smart? When he starts a sentence with, “My wife told me…”
- Why do men make great detectives? Because they can remember every single detail of a football game from 1992.
- What’s a man’s definition of a romantic evening? A pizza to himself and uninterrupted sports on TV.
- What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real golf score.
- What do you call a man who lost all of his intelligence? A widow.
- Why don’t men have mid-life crises? Because they’re stuck in adolescence.
- How is a man like a snowstorm? You never know when he’s coming, how many inches you’ll get, or how long he’ll last.
- What’s a man’s idea of helping with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum under him.
- Why are men like cars? Because they always pull out before checking if anyone else is coming.
- Why are men like popcorn? They satisfy you, but only for a little while.
- Why do men need instant replay on TV sports? They’ve already forgotten what happened.
- Why are men like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, they emit noxious fumes, and half the time they don’t work.
- How do men define a 50/50 relationship? We cook – they eat; we clean – they dirty; we iron – they wrinkle.
- Why are men like commercials? You can’t believe a word they say.
- What’s the best way to get a man to do sit-ups? Put the remote control between his toes.
- How do you keep your husband from reading your emails? Rename the mail folder to “instruction manuals.”
- Why are men like blenders? You need one, but you’re not quite sure why.
- Why are husbands like lawn mowers? They’re hard to get started, emit foul odors, and don’t work half the time.
- What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his brainpower? A widower.
- How are husbands like parking spaces? All the good ones are taken.
- What does it mean when a man is in your bed gasping for breath and calling your name? You didn’t hold the pillow down long enough.
- How do you get a man to do push-ups? Put the remote control under the couch.
- What’s a man’s idea of multitasking? Watching football while drinking beer.
- What does a man consider a seven-course meal? A pizza and a six pack of beer.
- Why don’t men get mad cow disease? Because they’re all pigs.
- How does a man show he’s planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- What do you call a handcuffed man? Trustworthy.
- Why do men like love at first sight? It saves them a lot of time.
- What’s a man’s idea of honesty in a relationship? Telling you his real handicap.
- Why do men prefer smart women? Opposites attract.
- Why do men need funny one-liner jokes about them? Because they can’t remember the long ones.
- What’s a man’s idea of a perfect date? April 1st.
- Why do men whistle when they’re sitting on the toilet? Because it helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
- Why are men like laxatives? They irritate the crap out of you.
- What’s the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
- What’s the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
- How are men like clouds? When they disappear, it’s a brighter day.
- What do you call a man who expects to have sex on the second date? Slow.
- Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact? Breasts don’t have eyes.
- Why are men like cement? After getting laid, they take a long time to get hard.
- What’s the difference between men and government bonds? Bonds mature.
- Why do men name their penises? Because they want to be on a first-name basis with the one who makes all their decisions.
- What’s a man’s idea of a perfect woman? She makes love passionately and folds his socks.
- What do you call a man who has half a brain? Gifted.
- What do you call the useless piece of skin on a man? The man.
- What’s a man’s view of safe sex? A padded headboard.
- How are men and parking spots alike? Good ones are always taken. Free ones are mostly handicapped or extremely small.
- Why are men like diapers? They’re usually full of crap, but thankfully disposable.
- What’s the difference between a man and E.T.? E.T. phoned home.
- Why did the man put his money in the blender? Because he wanted to make some liquid assets.
- Why did the man stare at the can of orange juice? Because it said ‘concentrate’.
- How do you save a man from drowning? Take your foot off his head.
- What does a man consider a gourmet meal? Any food without a ‘best before’ date.
- Why do men get married? So they don’t have to hold in their stomachs anymore.
- Why did the man cross the road? He heard the chicken was a slut.
- How do you get a man to stop biting his nails? Make him wear shoes.
- Why don’t men need more than one bookmark? The sports section is in the middle of the newspaper.
- What’s the difference between a man and a parrot? You can teach a parrot to talk politely.
- Why do men whistle while going to the restroom? It helps them remember which end they need to wipe.
- Why are men like floor tiles? If you lay them right the first time, you can walk all over them for life.
- How many men does it take to screw in a light bulb? One – he just holds it up there and waits for the world to revolve around him.
- Why don’t men often show their true feelings? They’d be too busy yelling at the television.
- How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer instead of one.
- Why do men have a hole in the end of their penis? So oxygen can get into their brains.
- What’s the difference between men and pigs? Pigs don’t turn into men when they drink.
- What’s a man’s idea of a romantic night out? A fast food drive-thru and home by halftime.
- What’s a man’s idea of helping with housework? Lifting his legs so you can vacuum.
- Why do men hate shopping? Because ‘mall’ is a four-letter word.
- Why are men like lawnmowers? They’re hard to get started and they emit noxious fumes.
- What do you call a man who lost all his intelligence? A widower.
- Why do men like big screen TVs? Same reason why they like younger women.
- How do you confuse a man? Put him in a round room and tell him to sit in the corner.
- Why do men put women on pedestals? So they can look up their skirts.
- What do you call a man who doesn’t chase after women? A bachelor.
- Why do men get their best ideas in bed? Because their plugged into a genius!
- Why do men always know the way? They invented the map.
- Why are men like bank accounts? Without a lot of money, they don’t generate much interest.
And there you have it, our compilation of 80 jokes about men designed to entertain and amuse. We hope these jokes have brought a smile to your face and a chuckle to your day. Keep spreading the joy by sharing these jokes. Remember, laughter is the best way to keep life light and fun. Stay tuned for more humorous content!
