94 Rib-Tickling New Year’s Jokes to Kickstart Your Celebrations

Ring in the New Year with a hearty laugh! Our compilation of New Year’s jokes is ready to brighten up your celebrations and infuse them with an extra dose of fun. From playful one-liners to chuckle-worthy puns, these jokes are set to make your transition into the New Year a joyous one.

1. I was going to quit all my bad habits for the New Year, but then I remembered that nobody likes a quitter.
2. My resolution was to read more, so I put subtitles on my TV.
3. My resolution was to lose weight, but I haven’t lost any yet. Maybe I should have specified which year.
4. My New Year’s resolution is 1080p.
5. I said I wouldn’t repeat any mistakes this year. But I’m already on my third donut.
6. Don’t set your New Year’s resolution too high. Start with things like: I’ll try not to leave laundry on the exercise bike.
7. My New Year’s resolution is to stop saying, “Seems like just yesterday” every time I write a date.
8. I’m going to open a gym called “Resolutions” that turns into a bar after the first two weeks of January.
9. This year I’ll make more of everything: mistakes, money, friends, and memories!
10. I’d say “Happy New Year”, but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.
11. My New Year’s resolution is to stop procrastinating. I’ll start tomorrow.
12. For my New Year’s resolution, I gave up drinking. During weekdays.
13. I told my New Year’s resolution to go and lose weight, but it’s apparent that it went in one year and out the other.
14. Why don’t some people make New Year’s resolutions? Because they’re still working on their last year’s ones.
15. I don’t have a New Year’s resolution. You don’t need that when you’re perfect.
16. I’m planning on finding new and innovative ways to procrastinate in the new year.
17. If your New Year’s resolution is to see the ball drop, I can usually do that by 9 PM.
18. New Year’s Day is the accepted time to make regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
19. I’m actually feeling pretty okay about not accomplishing anything this year.
20. I love when they drop the ball in Times Square. It’s a nice reminder of what I did all year.
21. A New Year’s resolution is something that goes in one year and out the other.
22. I’m in shape. Round is a shape, isn’t it?
23. My resolution is to stop lying to myself about making lifestyle changes.
24. I wanted to quit smoking for the New Year, but I’m not a quitter.
25. My New Year’s resolution is to be more optimistic by keeping my cup half-full with either rum, vodka, or whiskey.
26. New Year’s is the only holiday where you look to the future and tell yourself it can’t possibly be any worse.
27. They say you are what you eat, but it’s funny, because I don’t remember eating a legend this year.
28. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
29. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV during the football games.
30. This year I resolved to save money, but then I saw it was buy one get one free!

31. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions!
32. If nothing changes this New Year to your liking, just remember that your happiness is worth more than a midnight wish.
33. I’m going to spend my New Year’s Eve at home, on the internet, so I do not have to dress up.
34. I can’t wait to mess up with you on New Year’s Eve.
35. My New Year’s resolution was to be more assertive. If that’s okay with you guys?
36. My New Year’s resolution is to help all my friends gain ten pounds so I look skinnier.
37. What’s my New Year’s resolution? 3840×2160 pixels.
38. Every New Year’s I have the same question: “How did I get home?”
39. I’m planning on finding new and more sophisticated ways to mess up this year.
40. I’ll remember 2022 like it was yesterday.
41. I’m gonna order a pizza five minutes before the new year and when they arrive I will say I ordered this a year ago, LOL.
42. I wish you end up fighting less with your partner over TV remote this New Year.
43. I will not bore my boss by with the same excuse for taking leaves. I will think of some more excuses.
44. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies which don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
45. This year I will not gain any weight. I’m gonna hire someone to do that for me.
46. I was going to quit drinking for the new year, but I’m not a quitter.
47. This year, my wish for you is to have less disaster than the ‘Real Housewives’ shows.
48. It’s New Year’s Eve! Time to make absurdly unrealistic promises to myself!
49. I’m not making a New Year’s resolution. I’m simply carrying on with the mistakes I’ve already been making.
50. What do you tell someone you didn’t see at New Year’s Eve? I haven’t seen you for a year!
51. I was going to make a resolution to procrastinate less, but then I decided to save it for later.
52. My New Year’s resolution is to break my New Year’s resolutions. That way, I succeed at something!
53. New Year’s resolution: To tolerate fools more gladly, provided this does not encourage them to take up more of my time.
54. I’ve got the perfect 2023 vision.
55. I won’t say the New Year will get better, but at least it couldn’t get much worse… Right?
56. May all your healthy life expectations last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
57. New Year’s Day: Now is the accepted time to make your regular annual good resolutions. Next week you can begin paving hell with them as usual.
58. Why don’t cats make New Year’s resolutions? Because they are purr-fect already.
59. This year, I’m resolving to be the person my dog thinks I am.
60. I’m still waiting for the year when jogging will be my new favorite thing.
61. If you’re born in September, it’s pretty safe to assume your parents started their New Year with a bang!
62. This year my resolution is to find out who I am.
63. Don’t forget to set your scales back 10 pounds at midnight.
64. The best way to predict your future is to create it, not to predict your New Year’s resolution!
65. My New Year’s resolution is to avoid meeting people who ask me about my New Year’s resolutions.
66. Last year’s resolution was to lose 20 pounds by Christmas. Only 30 pounds to go.
67. I don’t make New Year’s resolutions. I make dinner.
68. The only thing I want to change this year is my weight.
69. Let’s ring in the New Year with good things in mind. Let every bad memory go up in smoke.
70. Cheers to the New Year, which will hopefully be full of good luck and happiness. Happy New Year!
71. People think New Year’s Eve is a life-changing event. I’m at the laundromat.
72. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies that don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
73. I’ll remember 2022 like it was yesterday.
74. I can’t believe it’s been a year since I didn’t become a better person.
75. The bad news is time flies. The good news is you’re the pilot.
76. My New Year’s resolution is to be a little less perfect so I can stop making everyone else look so bad.
77. What happened to the man who stole an advent calendar? He got 25 days!
78. Here’s a toast to the future, a toast to the past, and a toast to our friends, far and near. May the future be pleasant, the past a bright dream, and may our friends remain faithful and dear.
79. On New Year’s Eve, Marilyn stood up in the local pub and said that it was time to get ready. At the stroke of midnight, she wanted every husband to be standing next to the one person who made his life worth living. Well, it was kind of embarrassing. As the clock struck, the bartender was almost crushed to death.
80. My wife still hasn’t told me what my New Year’s resolutions are.
81. Every year I make a resolution to change myself. This year make a resolution to be yourself!
82. I would say happy new year but it’s not happy; it’s exactly the same as last year except colder.
83. May the New Year bring you significantly more joy than the holidays did.
84. May God inspire you to finally enroll in that anger management course in New Year!
85. What do you call always wanting a date for New Year’s Eve? Social Security.
86. Many people look forward to the New Year for a new start on old habits.
87. An optimist stays up until midnight to see the New Year in. A pessimist stays up to make sure the old year leaves.
88. May all your troubles last as long as your New Year’s resolutions.
89. Now there are more overweight people in America than average-weight people. So overweight people are now average. Which means you’ve met your New Year’s resolution.
90. New Year’s is just a holiday created by calendar companies that don’t want you reusing last year’s calendar.
91. My resolution was to read more so I put the subtitles on my TV.
92. New Year’s Eve forecast: Mostly drunk with a slight chance of passing out.
93. I would lose weight for my New Year’s resolution, but I hate losing.
94. This year my New Year’s resolution was to stop saying ‘Seems like just yesterday’ every time I write a date.

As we bid farewell to this set of New Year’s jokes, we hope they filled your celebration with laughter and cheer. Remember, humor is a fantastic way to welcome new beginnings. Stay with us for more entertaining content that adds a dash of merriment to your special occasions. Here’s to a year full of joy, laughter, and unforgettable moments!